Target: Renegade – A Beat ‘Em Up Retrospective

I never thought that I would play a game worse than Renegade. And appropriately enough it’s the sequel. Target: Renegade on the NES has to be the worst beat ’em game ever made. It’s so bad that it makes Renegade seem pretty decent after all.

At least the controls have been fixed. One button is a punch and the other is a kick. And as a bonus they don’t switch every time you change directions. The jump kick is a disaster though. It requires the up and over to be pressed on the d-pad , while pressing the kick button. While pushing both buttons simultaneously does nothing. Go figure. And to piss off the player almost immediately, the game’s first enemy is someone on a motorcycle that is only susceptible to a flying kick. Better master that jump kick in a hurry folks if you want to play this.tr2

The game actually tells us to move right. Could there be anything more obvious than telling a gamer playing a beat ’em up to move right? It gets worse.tr4

Everything with this video game stresses me out. I already mentioned how the jump kicks have to be perfectly timed out to kill the bikers. Also the first weapon that the game lets us use is impossible to pick up. And some weapon it is. It looks like a flotation device and when the guy we control uses it he just tosses it up like a hail Mary. Of course usually hitting no one. And the worse thing of all is that each stage had a timer. And not some bogus timer that is there for fluff, you get 4 or 5 minutes to finish the level and if the clock hit zeros it’s game over. I beat some stages with only seconds to spare. It doesn’t make the game more intense or anything like that. Just shittier.

To beat the array of repeating bosses you must utilize a ‘stick and move’ strategy. Which happens to be super time consuming. Every time a boss is hit they will counter right away with a powerful blow. Getting hit with just 2 of the these shots will send you to the title screen faster than you can smash your controller in frustration.tr3

Can a game really be all bad? Well, the actual brawling portions, by that I mean when I  got to fight enemies who are on foot, was fun for nearly 30 seconds.

The final kick in the pants that the game gives us is an infuriating non-ending. That’s right. After the end boss is beaten and your brother is saved – oh right, I forgot to explain the plot. The main character’s brother is kidnapped by the band Mr. Big. Anyway, after the game is complete these dudes appear and kick your ass and kidnap your brother all over again. Who isn’t some child by the way but an exact clone of our character’s sprite. And he’s taken by the same villain who was just defeated moments earlier. It’s a miracle. The story just rolls over seamlessly.

I never thought that I would play a game worse than Renegade. And appropriately enough it’s the sequel. Target: Renegade on the NES has to be the worst beat ’em game ever made. Its so bad that it makes Renegade seem like a pretty decent game after all.

…Annoying isn’t it.tr5

It’s actually poetic how a very repetitive game just repeats itself. This game truly is hell.

 

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